NINES - SELF-KINDNESS
THE NINES IN THE DECK OF CARE ENCOURAGE YOU TO BECOME A GOOD FRIEND TO YOURSELF - AN INNER ALLY WHO IS SUPPORTIVE AND ENCOURAGING.
Most people treat themselves worse than they treat their friends and in ways that they would never consider acting toward another person. Part of the human condition is to be harshly self-critical, which can lead to feelings of unhelpful guilt (irrational guilt), shame, and self-loathing. This negative self-talk can make challenges in our lives worse, and can make it difficult to find motivation to work toward solutions.
The Nines encourage you to take a different approach - to actively treat yourself better. Each card provides a way to be there for yourself - to soothe and comfort yourself - and to be unconditionally there for yourself even when you’ve made mistakes. When we bring kindness to our struggles, we open the door to seeing that imperfection is part of a human existence. It allows us to accept our failings with less shame or self-loathing, and to either accept them as they are with love and kindness, or to change when self-kindness requires that we behave in a way that better honors our body. Self-kindness allows us to see that our lives intrinsically have value, developing a sense of self-respect that empowers us to engage with the world in a way that honors our existence.
Self-kindness is one of three parts to self-compassion, a practice that pairs self-kindness with mindfulness and a sense of common humanity (remembering that we aren’t alone in suffering). When these three skills are brought to challenging situations (like in the Five of Hearts), it helps us to feel better and to look at the situation in a more rational, detached way, empowering us to make healthier decisions.
If you like more formal program learning, Mindful Self Compassion (MSC) is an eight to ten week program that combines the skills of mindfulness and self-compassion to teach us how to treat ourselves as we would treat a good friend. You can sign up for a course through the Center for Mindful Self Compassion. One of the editors of this deck, Jamie Lynn Tatera, also teaches the program independently and you can sign up on her site Wholly Mindful.
Nine of Diamonds - Soothing Touch
The Nine of Diamonds introduces you to soothing touch - which is literally putting one or two hands over your body in a gentle, comforting way. This simple act can release oxytocin and help you to feel safer and more comforted. It’s a practice that is easy to do at any time you feel negative emotions, and can be easily folded into almost any other self-care activity. To find what kind of soothing touch works best for you, you can try this exercise from Kristen Neff.
Nine of Spades - Speaking to Yourself as a Friend
The Nine of Spades introduces you to the compassionate letter to yourself - an exercise that can make it easier to find your inner compassionate voice. For many people, self-kindness isn’t easily accessible. We may feel unworthy or uncomfortable, and self-kindness may actually create a backdraft of negative feelings of unworthiness. The compassionate letter to yourself is an exercise that can help detach yourself from these negative feelings toward yourself, and tap into the wise, kind part of you that is present for those whom you love.
You will imagine a challenging situation in your life and write a letter either (1) from the perspective of a friend to you, (2) from you to a friend facing a similar situation, or (3) from the kind part of yourself to the part of yourself that is struggling. The slightly detached perspective and the physical exercise of writing may make it easier to find the kind parts of yourself. You can follow this exercise from Kristen Neff.
For those who struggle with trusting their instincts - who feel frozen in worry that their instincts aren’t good for them - this exercise can be particularly helpful. We all have a part of us that wants the best for ourselves and can give sage advice. Sometimes this is not the loudest or most understood voice, but this exercise can often tap into it and serve as a reminder that there is a voice inside ourselves that we can trust to act in our own best interests. Sometimes, we just need to detach from ourselves slightly to access it.
Nine of Clubs - Speaking Kindly to Yourself
The Nine of Clubs encourages you to speak kindly to yourself. This is different from the Threes which encourage you to take time to focus on the positive aspects of yourself and your surroundings. Instead the Nine of Clubs encourages you to speak to yourself as you might a friend when confronted with a hard situation - words like “This is hard,” “I’m suffering,” “I don’t feel good right now,” “May I love myself as I am,” “I love me,” “I love myself as I am,” “I don’t want myself to suffer,” “May I accept myself as I am,” “I have value,” “I care deeply about myself,” “I’m here for me,” “I will always support me,” “I accidentally created harm,” “This does not define me,” “It’s OK that I made a mistake,” etc. These phrases may be more accessible when phrased as if you are a second person like you did in the compassionate letter exercise such as “I will support you” instead of “I will support me.”
The goal is to say words to yourself that meet you exactly where you are and accept you exactly as you are. We all have a wise part of us that just wants the best for ourselves. This is the part we are trying to tap into. Speaking kindly to yourself like this may not make you feel good but it will help make you feel more loved, cared for, supported, and safe while you are suffering. It creates space to heal and to grow. It helps us to disassociate who we are from what we did or what we are going through, recognizing that our actions will always be imperfect and we can always improve in how we behave.
You’ll note that the Nine of Clubs also incorporates a soothing touch - a practice that can help to make ourselves more receptive to kind words.
Nine of Hearts - Meeting Unmet Needs
The Nine of Hearts encourages you to find ways to independently meet your own needs. It’s the kindness you apply after engaging in the Five of Clubs - which is exploring unmet needs at the root of challenging emotions. (If you haven’t read the Five of Clubs yet, a needs inventory like this one from the Center for Nonviolent Communication is helpful for looking through what needs are going unmet or partially met).
If you know which needs are unmet, you can try to find creative ways to solve them with an eye toward addressing the needs yourself. You may:
Speak to yourself kindly. Sometimes, unmet needs can be resolved (at least partially) simply by being kind to yourself. For example, if your needs for love and appreciation are going unmet, it may be enough to remind yourself that you love and appreciate yourself.
Do something. Sometimes, our needs can only be met through action. If your needs for adventure or nature are going unmet, you may want to go to a park. If your needs for play and productivity are going unmet, you may play a video game. If your need for control is going unmet, you may clean your house. Especially if you’re stuck on the idea that you need something from someone else, explore if there are things you can do alone that meet your needs as well.
Resource yourself. Sometimes, a need requires bringing in additional resources to make sure that you’re set up for success. This could be as simple as getting a better pillow if your need for quality sleep is going unmet, or paying for a haircut if your need for beauty is unmet. We live in a world where we can barter what we have in excess for what we struggle to provide adequately for ourselves. When money is short, we can trade our time and skills for someone else’s. Be curious and creative about what resources you can pay or trade for to support yourself.
Ask for something. Especially in intimate relationships, you will often need to ask for concrete behaviors to ensure your needs are being met. If your need for support is going unmet, this may mean asking someone to do the chores one night while you relax. If your need to be understood is going unmet, this may mean asking a second person to repeat back their understanding of a situation. If someone cares for you, and you express kindly that a small change of behavior will more fully meet your needs, they’ll usually make the change for you. Over time, the more often and more fully you communicate your needs to a second person, the better they will understand you as well and may be able to sometimes anticipate your needs because of it.
Draw a boundary. Commonly, meeting your needs means removing a situation or responsibility from your plate. This may mean telling a second person to stop doing something, saying no to a request, or taking existing responsibilities off your plate. If something in your life is causing a need to go unmet, often the easiest solution is to remove it from your life.
One goal to keep in mind is to stay open-minded and creative in this process - looking for accessible and achievable ways to meet your goals. It’s easy to fixate or ruminate on strategies for meeting needs (like I wish my partner would anticipate my need for comfort tonight and cook for me) when there may be an achievable alternative that would equally satisfy your needs (asking your partner to cook or ordering delivery). Self-kindness in meeting your needs requires a full appreciation of the agency you have in taking care of yourself and a sense of personal ownership over making sure your needs are met. It also requires shedding the idea that other people should be able to anticipate and meet your needs without any prompting from you because no one can fully understand your inner state but you. Once you start to stop relying on others to meet your needs without prompting, it will become easier over time to consistently have your needs met. It can be empowering to understand that you do have more control than you may currently think.
Final Thoughts
At first glance, many people dismiss self-kindness as self-indulgent. The research has demonstrated that it’s not. Being kind to ourselves is pro-social - meaning that it empowers us to be better not just to ourselves, but to other people and our environment. It also is a stronger motivator for productivity than punitive thinking or measures. This is because self-kindness empowers us to recognize and accept our failings - which is a necessary foundation to fix them, set and achieve realistic goals, and to grow. Self-kindness is fundamentally rational. It doesn’t try to distort the world or to paint a nicer picture of what is happening; it simply lets ourselves love ourselves even though we’re imperfect even when we’re a mess.
It’s important to note that self-kindness is not self-esteem - which can be self-indulgent. Self-esteem is about seeing ourselves as good; self-kindness is about accepting ourselves as we are. Self-esteem fails us exactly when we need it - when we falter - generating negative social consequences; self-kindness meets us when we fail and allows us to get back up and grow. Self-esteem requires comparison against others and creates division; self-kindness allows us to recognize that we are part of a flawed group of people and to recognize our shared humanity.