Befriending Shame Meditation

 Holding negative core beliefs is a common human experience. We all engage in the kind of self-talk that’s complete bullshit and holds us back.

When researchers ask people what the kinds of things they tell themselves are, universally, some of the most common core burdens are “I am worthless,” “I am unlovable,” “I am broken,” “I am not enough,” “I am unsafe,” “I have no value,” “I am powerless,” “I deserve bad things,” “I must be of service to be liked,” “I am better than others,” “I always come second,” and “I don’t deserve good things.”

Usually, these beliefs crystallize within us at moments in our life where we lack power and were being harmed. Through shame, they push us to engage in behaviors that are traditionally self-harming - like people-pleasing, compliance, repression, disassociation, perfectionism, grandiosity, deceit, . . . - because at that time when we lacked power to change our circumstances, those behaviors could reduce the risk of harm or the felt experience of it. In particular, they helped us to avoid the pain of having our needs for belonging or being loved subverted. While they may have helped to reduce these active harms at a time when we lacked agency, long term, as we gain power to change our circumstances, they end up preventing us from using our agency to find love and belonging. They shift from helping us to avoid harm to actively harming us.

For that reason, it’s important to explore our shame core, and to encourage it to grow with us. With effort, we can re-purpose that protective energy to move us toward love and belonging, instead of away from the risk of harm.

This meditation combines somatic processing, inner parts, gratefulness, mindfulness, and imagination to try to come to a more integrated understanding of these shame scripts. The goal is to find the underlying purpose of the shame script, and to integrate it more fully into a new environment in which we have more power and agency to avoid harm or reduce pain in more healthful, self-empowered ways. You may want to write down your reflections as you go. You can use this worksheet to track your self-discoveries:

If you’re new to shame exploration, this reference sheet of the most common shame scripts and some of the common shame-associated behaviors may be helpful.

We strongly encourage you do do this meditation in a group and to discuss your experience after.