QUEENS - SOCIALIZING
THE QUEENS IN THE DECK OF CARE ENCOURAGE YOU TO SPEND QUALITY TIME WITH OTHER PEOPLE.
Humans are innately social creatures - a trait that was evolutionarily advantageous because it helped to keep us safe from predators, to share resources, and to successfully mate (and make future generations). We also have an innate kindness and compassion toward other people - a trait that was necessary for flourishing communities. With the long history of socializing playing a key role in human and community health, it makes sense that our bodies continue to reward social behavior.
When we interact with other people, our bodies release a wave of feel-good chemical neurotransmitters that help to regulate stress, anxiety, and physical pain. Social interaction can help to ward off disease and mental decay, and can improve the chances of and the pace of recovery after disease or injury. At all ages, strong social lives help to ward off depression, and are the strongest indicator of happiness throughout a person’s life. Quite simply, having a good social network will make you physically and emotionally healthier.
Each of the Queen cards give you something to do with another person. They’re by no means exhaustive, and you can work through any card in the deck with another person.
Queen of Hearts - Be with someone you care about
The Queen of Hearts encourages you to spend time with someone in your close support network doing anything (or nothing). Even without a plan of what to do, it’s helpful to intentionally make moments to be with other people. It doesn’t necessarily matter what then happens because you will accrue benefits from spending time with another person just by being present. It’s OK to not have a specific reason to see each other, and it’s OK to let the specifics occur organically.
Queen of Clubs - Do something fun
The Queen of Clubs encourages you to have a fun shared experience with another person. Fun in any form is good for you. It reduces stress, alleviates pain, stimulates your brain, and improves memory and concentration. Having fun with another person has the added benefit of improving the quality of your relationship, and can help you more fully savor the joyful experience because you’re sharing it actively with another person. This experience of sharing your joy acts in a similar way to gratitude journaling or savoring positive moments alone; it helps you to build neural pathways for positive thoughts by more fully integrating the good of the moment.
Queen of Spades - Find a shared community for your passions and struggles
The Queen of Spades encourages you to find a community for your joys and hardships. In particular, it encourages you to work with others to try to solve a problem - either something that you are enjoying or something that you are struggling with.
When it comes to the good things, as with gratitude journaling and soaking in positive experiences, sharing our joy in a like-minded community allows us to more fully savor the positive sensations, leading to greater happiness over time. These networks can provide support and encouragement, and can offer helpful advice based on their own experiences. Working with others also helps to maintain a more constant source of creativity as the ebb and flow of creativity for different people in the group will tend to balance each other out.
When it comes to the negative, it’s easy to get lost in a sense of isolation. Finding a community that is struggling with a common issue helps to ease that sense of isolation, and offers support, kindness, and encouragement to move through it. It can allow you to bring humor into your hardship, and more fully see the full balance of joys and hardships that you’re facing.
Whatever you’re working through, it can be helpful to work through it with others.
Queen of Diamonds - Be present socially
The Queen of Diamonds encourages you to be fully present with another person by practicing compassionate listening. Quite often, in social situations, we are distracted either by things outside of the interaction or by thinking about how we are going to respond. Because of this distraction, we may not fully understand what another person is saying, and we may struggle to identify the other person’s underlying needs and emotions. Intentionally coming more fully to social interactions can strengthen your relationships, better meet your innate needs of connection and to be of service, and better equip you to meet the needs of others. It will also help you to understand how you may prefer others to interact with you and what needs you bring into a social situation.
Compassionate listening blends mindfulness with listening. First, you take a breath and clear your mind to make space for the conversation. Throughout the conversation, you try to listen fully to what the other person is saying, responding only with body language as kindly as possible. When your mind wanders, like in meditation, you non-judgmentally note the wandering and return to listening. When the other person has fully stopped talking, you may validate their feelings (“That sounds hard” or “That sounds joyful”), state back your understanding of what happened (active listening), or state back your understanding of their feelings and needs (non-violent communication). The goal is to leave the other person feeling understood and seen and to leave you with a better understanding of what the other person was communicating.
Final Thoughts
Not all socializing is equal and it’s important to try to find a supportive network that brings out the best in you. Try to find friends and acquaintances who meet some of your needs - bearing in mind that no single person will ever be able to meet all of them. As will be covered in the Kings (boundaries), you will have to communicate your needs and boundaries with others to foster strong social ties, and sometimes you’ll need to end relationships entirely. The goal is not to just have any social connections but to create a supportive community that is responsive to your needs.